This summer I will travel to England. Why? Because those people are smart, that’s why. Recently they have had a serious pigeon problem. Seems the pigeons have decided they don’t want to just stay in the park and outer-city limits. They want to be in the heart of Liverpool. I guess these Liverpoolians apparently feed the birds fast food, and if you are going to be passing out free cheeseburgers, naturally word travels fast. Even in the bird community. I’m sure the government warned them about trespassing into the center of town, but did the pigeons heed this? No.

So what is any intelligent city going to do? Get RoboFalcons. That’s right—robotic falcons. Why? Because falcons eat pigeons. Welcome to Liverpool, Pigeons, our robots will eat you. It does send a scary, scary message. But for many of us, cheese burgers are always worth the risk.

So these robots will sit on rooftops and flap their wings and squawk loudly to scare their victims away. The local government says it is for the birds’ own good though, claiming they are getting obese on all the fast food thrown their way. And what goes in must come out, so I guess it’s hacking them off that the “city council uses the equivalent of 88 man-hours a day cleaning droppings from the streets and buildings.” You know what’s really expensive, Liverpool? Paying someone to COUNT those bird-poop cleaning man hours. “What’s your job?” “I am a PPMHC—Pigeon Poop Man Hour Counter.” That would be a fun badge to flash.

Next, I would like to discuss Alec Baldwin. If you haven’t heard the hideous things he has said to his daughter, Ireland, just know there was cursing, threats, and a comparison of his daughter to a swing. Dude is insane. Today he made the talk show circuit (The View and Dr. Phil) to explain himself and apologize. He said it was “inappropriate.” Okay, inappropriate is tooting in a packed elevator. What you did was inhumane and child abuse. But according to his interview on The View, HE'S the victim, in case you were confused in whom to feel sorry for.

And onto American Idol. Oh, my gosh. Ryan Seacrest, you little rascal. You got me, okay, you got me. Everyone I’ve talked to said they totally saw that ending coming. I guess I’m slow—I didn’t. I really thought Jordin was a goner. Anyone who experienced the Great Dethroning of Daughtry 2006 (I’m STILL not over it), couldn’t help but buy into this week’s fake out. We have seen a great tossed off the show like he was day old fish, so it was totally plausible that Jordin Sparks might be voted off. But Ryan Seacrest, that stinker, fooled us. Soooo funny. I’m sure Chris Daughtry thought it was hilarious.

As for Grey’s Anatomy, I must say Izzy + George = STUPID. They don’t fit together, they have no chemistry, and you know Izzy would never tango with someone who is married to Callie because Callie could LAY YOU OUT. We girls who are not scrappy have this sixth sense about who could do us the most bodily harm should a fight ever ensue. And thus, you do everything you can to avoid such an occurrence. So, to girls like Callie you say things like, “Could I wash your car for you?” And to girls like, oh, I don’t know…Lindsey Lohan you say, “Are you staring at me? You bring it, Lohan. You bring it!”

In other news, what about Hugh Grant getting arrested for lobbing some baked beans at someone? That is crazy. What are the odds of being in that moment of anger and BAKED BEANS being available? When I’m totally ticked off, I’m usually within arm’s distance of cotton balls. Or grapes. Or bread. Never something as disgusting, shirt-staining, and gas-inducing as baked beans. You can’t just go to the bathroom and wipe that out of your hair, you know? But grapes? They don’t even break on impact. Just ask my students…

And now a side note to Tori W. in Arkansas. Thanks, girl, for my sweet message. I’m glad you liked the book. I was afraid since it didn’t include Tinkerbell or mermaids it would be chunked out the window. You made my week!