From my friend Sheila: "The security guard at the American Embassy in Paris was OBVIOUSLY flirting with you. Why didn't you flirt back?"

"Because he had a machine gun." Totally took all his charm away.

Anyway, after Paris, we hopped the Chunnel to London. I was nervous about this because it goes under the English Channel for about twenty minutes. That's not a thought that brings about feelings of security, but we survived.

As soon as we got on the Chunnel and were seated, the drink cart was brought out. And we were offered champagne. At eleven in the morning. Turns out our seats were in first class and didn't even know it. One of the perks of sitting in first class was that they brought you lunch. Our choices were veal or fish. (Ick no. 1 or Ick no. 2) I absolutely can't stand the idea of veal, so I had to go with the fish.

It was...powerful, to say the least.

Ever been to the lake and walk by a dead fish? Yeah.

So we make it out of the English Channel without drowning and take a cab to our hotel. Our "Five Star" hotel. I'm not sure which part of our room they thought was five star, but it wasn't our bathroom.







And check out our space age, super modern blow dryer.



We went to see the Tower of London, which I really enjoyed. While our bathroom at the hotel wasn't exactly top notch, apparently people think the bathrooms at the Tower are. A whole wall was dedicated to their awards.


Can you see it? It says "Loo of the Year Award." It's like the Toilet Oscars. The Potty Pulitzers. And believe me, with the predominantly skank public bathrooms we saw, we were grateful for their loo pride.

We took a tour bus to Kent and visited Leeds Castle. It was a beautiful area.












Leeds Castle was once the dowager home for royalty, where the queens would reside after their husbands had passed away. Remember my grass green bedroom? I guess King Henry V's widow and I have the same taste.

Take that all your scorners of the green!

You can't go to London without seeing Buckingham Palace. I had hoped, of course, to catch sight of Prince William, but they said he was out of town. And in case they were onto my idea of climbing over the wall and looking for him anyway, this might've deterred me.


It's like they knew I was coming.

And I don't know about you, but somebody needs to tell the queen that she needs to tidy up her pond. Ew...


If only the poor girl could afford to hire someone to clean it. I know! Maybe she could put her name on some ice cream and sell it! No, Queen Elizabeth would never cheapen herself and the royal family like that.



We didn't get to see the Changing of the Guard because it doesn't occur every day. But as our tour guide said, we got to see something just as good!


Men on horses.
Standing there.
Staring at each other.
It was riveting.
There was a name for this...standing and staring, but I don't remember what it was. But I think it translated into, "Oh, my gosh. This is boring. Are they going to do anything? No. Okay, let's go get a funnel cake."

It is the tenth anniversary of the death of Princess Diana. While her home, Kensington Palace was not something to see, the grounds around it were nice. And you know, we all grieve in different ways. Some people purchased things to add to an art memorial to Diana. Others...sunbathe on the castle grounds in their underwear.


Seriously, he didn't even bother with a bathing suit. Just his undies.

We shopped on some famous streets. I thought the store "American Apparel was interesting. Is this what they think we wear?


This was all they had in the store. It was like I had stepped into Olivia Newton John's closet circa 1984.



So we had a great time in Europe, with the icing on top being me getting frisked (violated!) at the airport on the way home. Just a little memory to reminder you by, London. (I think I would've preferred a postcard or some Buckingham Palace ice cream.)

Stay tuned for a sneak peek at On the Loose, which arrives on shelves next month!