It’s been a troublesome week. The world is falling apart, and I have no time to comment on it. No time to reach out to those in need—like K-Fed—and lend my support and rhyming skills. I have a book deadline at the end of the month, and so no time to commit to following all these stories reverberating across the globe like an atomic bomb.

I have considered going to my publisher and saying, “Look...publisher. Yes, I have a commitment to you to turn in a book by December first, but the times—they are a changin’. (Insert patriotic music here). The world as we know it is disintegrating right before our very eyes. I need time. Time to process it all. Time to heal. Time to catch up on some E! Publisher, you need to know how disturbing the planet is right now. We cannot ignore these travesties against humanity anymore."

(Please keep humming the Star Spangled Banner. Key of G)

"The Conservatives are right. The sanctity of marriage is in jeopardy. I offer up Exhibit A:”


Exhibit B:














Who next—Ruth and Billy Graham?

Now as for this couple:



I knew that was coming. Sure, they were in marriage counseling and worked at their relationship during their time together. Real commendable. BUT, ladies, we all know you don’t marry someone who refuses to pose for the camera. Shame on you, Reese Witherspoon. Where are your priorities? Your chances probably would’ve been better with someone like this guy



He’s clearly not afraid to smile for the paparazzi. But Ryan? I DARE you to find a teeth revealing shot of him.



"Hello, my name is Ryan Phillippe. My wife is about to get an Oscar, and this is the best I could do."



And then Madonna went and grabbed herself a baby. People have taken her to court and she is bereaved. I would take her to court too. Apparently the Queen Mum has taken over her body, a la Emily Rose style, and the Michigan-born Material Girl spouts her English accent every chance she gets. Country of Malawi , I appeal to you. Do you really want to send this child home to the Queen Mum? Didn’t you see the Lifetime movie about Princess Diana? Spoiler Alert: It does NOT end good!

Prince has invaded Vegas. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. A moment of silence if you will….

This is almost as disturbing as the day I found out that little man was only five feet tall. LITTLE red corvette, indeed.




Alas, I must carry on. I know I am not alone in my pain and in my fears. We are a tough nation, and we shall get through. We shall overcome. But if Pamela Anderson and Kidd Rock call it quits, I will not be responsible for my behavior. I must believe there are some things in this world still worth believing in.