Saturday, September 29, 2007
A Recipe for Disaster?
I'm in the process of revamping (totally demolishing and rebuilding) my website. And when I say "I," I mean somebody else-someone who knows what they're doing (which counts me out). During a meeting with the web designer, he jokingly mentioned having a tab on my site for recipes. But you know what? There are a handful of authors who do have recipes on their site.
I don't want to deprive anyone of the bounty of my kitchen genius, so today I'm going to share with you a recipe. In fact, it's what I had for supper tonight.
Jen's Dinner
Prep Time: one minute
Serves: One to Ten
1. Go to Wal-Mart. Drive cart straight to cereal aisle. If they are redoing your Wal-Mart, like they are mine, then go to mop aisle. Strangely enough, cereal will be there. So will Depends, aluminum foil, and Chap Stick.
2. Grab family size box of Honey Comb. Pause at Depends and consider how much time you could save in a day if you didn't have to stop and use a toilet. Say hello to student who sees you eyeing the Depends, and just move on, mumbling, "Grandma...weak bladder..."
3. Grab milk. Forget to check date because you like to live dangerously.
4. Go home. Pour cereal into bowl. Douse with the dairy and serve with a spoon.
5. When bowl is empty, Repeat step 4.
Next week I will be posting instructions for one of my favorite meals entitled, "How to eat Fajitas at the local Mexican joint for $3.87." If you want real recipes, maybe try BettyCrocker.com?
So today I had pictures taken--pictures for the new future website. Can I just tell you I would rather nail my tongue onto I-540 and let semis roll by than have my picture taken? And it was very last minute, so Friday night I got in a little shopping. (I had NOTHING to wear--and wearing NOTHING just would NOT work for pictures for a website dedicated to writing Christian fiction.) Then this morning I was at Kohls department store at 7:00. For some crazy reason they were open.(Actually they didn't open until 7:05 because I was waiting.)
So I made a mad dash through the store, hurrying because I had to race back home to shower and primp and stress and stuff. I just started grabbing clothes to try on. I had like 40 outfits. Two different store employees started following me. They acted like they were doing inventory, but they were totally tailing me. I don't know why. Just because I had a mountain of clothes in my hand, and I kept having to rip blouses off the mannequins (sorry, headless ladies). And it didn't help that my purse is the size of a carry-on. They probably thought I was going to stuff it with mannequin clothes. And then there was the moment when I set the alarm off by stepping out of bounds with a shirt. (it was right by the door! Don't put shirts by the door, and the alarm won't go off.) So anyway, I felt a great deal of satisfaction when I left, clearly paying for my items, not setting off the alarm again, and the good people of Kohls didn't have to go on lock down. Because two of them were definitely prepared.
So not that I ate it, but tonight I actually did cook. I tried a new minestrone recipe. It's not so great. Why is it when you cook something gross it's usually in quantities that could feed a small state? Next week I will also be posting the recipe entitled "Gross Soup for When You Have a Party for 100 People You Don't Like."
I think I'll go have another bowl of Honey Comb.
I don't want to deprive anyone of the bounty of my kitchen genius, so today I'm going to share with you a recipe. In fact, it's what I had for supper tonight.
Jen's Dinner
Prep Time: one minute
Serves: One to Ten
1. Go to Wal-Mart. Drive cart straight to cereal aisle. If they are redoing your Wal-Mart, like they are mine, then go to mop aisle. Strangely enough, cereal will be there. So will Depends, aluminum foil, and Chap Stick.
2. Grab family size box of Honey Comb. Pause at Depends and consider how much time you could save in a day if you didn't have to stop and use a toilet. Say hello to student who sees you eyeing the Depends, and just move on, mumbling, "Grandma...weak bladder..."
3. Grab milk. Forget to check date because you like to live dangerously.
4. Go home. Pour cereal into bowl. Douse with the dairy and serve with a spoon.
5. When bowl is empty, Repeat step 4.
Next week I will be posting instructions for one of my favorite meals entitled, "How to eat Fajitas at the local Mexican joint for $3.87." If you want real recipes, maybe try BettyCrocker.com?
So today I had pictures taken--pictures for the new future website. Can I just tell you I would rather nail my tongue onto I-540 and let semis roll by than have my picture taken? And it was very last minute, so Friday night I got in a little shopping. (I had NOTHING to wear--and wearing NOTHING just would NOT work for pictures for a website dedicated to writing Christian fiction.) Then this morning I was at Kohls department store at 7:00. For some crazy reason they were open.(Actually they didn't open until 7:05 because I was waiting.)
So I made a mad dash through the store, hurrying because I had to race back home to shower and primp and stress and stuff. I just started grabbing clothes to try on. I had like 40 outfits. Two different store employees started following me. They acted like they were doing inventory, but they were totally tailing me. I don't know why. Just because I had a mountain of clothes in my hand, and I kept having to rip blouses off the mannequins (sorry, headless ladies). And it didn't help that my purse is the size of a carry-on. They probably thought I was going to stuff it with mannequin clothes. And then there was the moment when I set the alarm off by stepping out of bounds with a shirt. (it was right by the door! Don't put shirts by the door, and the alarm won't go off.) So anyway, I felt a great deal of satisfaction when I left, clearly paying for my items, not setting off the alarm again, and the good people of Kohls didn't have to go on lock down. Because two of them were definitely prepared.
So not that I ate it, but tonight I actually did cook. I tried a new minestrone recipe. It's not so great. Why is it when you cook something gross it's usually in quantities that could feed a small state? Next week I will also be posting the recipe entitled "Gross Soup for When You Have a Party for 100 People You Don't Like."
I think I'll go have another bowl of Honey Comb.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Jen Takes On Dallas
First of all, don't forget to leave a comment on Monday's entry to get your name in the running for Camy Tang's Sushi For One? You do not want to miss it.
So last week I went to Dallas for a writer's conference--the annual American Christian Fiction Writers conference. I went to this event two years ago, armed with a whopping 25 pages of a novel. A favorite author of mine critiqued it, contacted a publisher about it, and the rest is In Between history. So I'm kind of partial to ACFW (and that author). If you have ANY interest in writing, check it out. Next year our meeting is in Minneapolis. That might be the year that I have to skip some of the sessions and do some intense research for the next book. Research on shopping--bring on Mall of America!!
A highlight of my trip was meeting my totally fabulous agent, Chip MacGregor of MacGregor Literary. How do you know if you have the coolest agent in the world? If he's willing to show some knee, that's how.
I should've Photoshopped myself a tan, but oh, well.
So here are some random events and occurrences from my trip.
1. Bought a cute new "trapeze-style" jacket for the event. Wore it for the first time, only to discover it smelled like that nasty raw silk (even though it was wool. weird). I ran back to the room and hosed myself down with Febreeze (that's something everyone should try at least once). Worked for about 15 minutes. Every time I'd meet someone that day, I'd just want to blurt, "Hi, my name is Jennifer, and yes, it's MY jacket you smell."
2. Took a class in which you had to deconstruct your work, looking for six or seven various things, identifying each with a different color of marker. Can I just say this was an A.D.D. NIGHTMARE!!!! I got so lost, I ended up just coloring a pretty picture instead.
3. When I met Chip for the first time, we might've discussed some revolutionary new career directions, there might've been some movie offers, some million dollar deals bandied about. I don't remember. News of this great moment, which he told me about, is all I remember. Watch the first minute.
I think I once dated the guy on the right.
4. You know those annoying people who look toward the door every time it opens during a meeting? I discovered I'm one of them. Shamelessly. When that door creaks, I MUST know what the person coming in looks like. It's like a game.
5. When I get in an airport, it's like I think we're in this parallel universe where calories mean nothing. Like within this capsule of a building, you can eat anything you want while catching up on the latest with Brit and Linds. By 11 a.m. Sunday morning I'd had half a Starbucks sandwich, a Taco Bell Bean Burrito, Auntie Anne's cinnamon sticks, a fruit and yogurt parfait, Diet Pepsi, and two waters. It's like I was in a race to consume my week's worth of calories in the hour before I went home. But the Starbucks sandwich doesn't count because it was gross. They should totally stick to coffee.
6. Ate at a restaurant called the Time Machine. For some random reason (at least I couldn't figure out why), the wait staff all dresses up like characters. Our waiter was a pirate.
Sadly, I can't remember his pirate name. And he didn't talk pirate talk, but spoke in a fake British accent. I felt a little cheated out of some good pirate talk, you know? Had the manager stopped by, I totally would've discussed the low level of authenticity in our waiter. His disregard for the sacred pirate vernacular should not be tolerated. Just one booty reference...is that really too much to ask?
Anyway, I will see your booties back here in a few days!
So last week I went to Dallas for a writer's conference--the annual American Christian Fiction Writers conference. I went to this event two years ago, armed with a whopping 25 pages of a novel. A favorite author of mine critiqued it, contacted a publisher about it, and the rest is In Between history. So I'm kind of partial to ACFW (and that author). If you have ANY interest in writing, check it out. Next year our meeting is in Minneapolis. That might be the year that I have to skip some of the sessions and do some intense research for the next book. Research on shopping--bring on Mall of America!!
A highlight of my trip was meeting my totally fabulous agent, Chip MacGregor of MacGregor Literary. How do you know if you have the coolest agent in the world? If he's willing to show some knee, that's how.
I should've Photoshopped myself a tan, but oh, well.
So here are some random events and occurrences from my trip.
1. Bought a cute new "trapeze-style" jacket for the event. Wore it for the first time, only to discover it smelled like that nasty raw silk (even though it was wool. weird). I ran back to the room and hosed myself down with Febreeze (that's something everyone should try at least once). Worked for about 15 minutes. Every time I'd meet someone that day, I'd just want to blurt, "Hi, my name is Jennifer, and yes, it's MY jacket you smell."
2. Took a class in which you had to deconstruct your work, looking for six or seven various things, identifying each with a different color of marker. Can I just say this was an A.D.D. NIGHTMARE!!!! I got so lost, I ended up just coloring a pretty picture instead.
3. When I met Chip for the first time, we might've discussed some revolutionary new career directions, there might've been some movie offers, some million dollar deals bandied about. I don't remember. News of this great moment, which he told me about, is all I remember. Watch the first minute.
I think I once dated the guy on the right.
4. You know those annoying people who look toward the door every time it opens during a meeting? I discovered I'm one of them. Shamelessly. When that door creaks, I MUST know what the person coming in looks like. It's like a game.
5. When I get in an airport, it's like I think we're in this parallel universe where calories mean nothing. Like within this capsule of a building, you can eat anything you want while catching up on the latest with Brit and Linds. By 11 a.m. Sunday morning I'd had half a Starbucks sandwich, a Taco Bell Bean Burrito, Auntie Anne's cinnamon sticks, a fruit and yogurt parfait, Diet Pepsi, and two waters. It's like I was in a race to consume my week's worth of calories in the hour before I went home. But the Starbucks sandwich doesn't count because it was gross. They should totally stick to coffee.
6. Ate at a restaurant called the Time Machine. For some random reason (at least I couldn't figure out why), the wait staff all dresses up like characters. Our waiter was a pirate.
Sadly, I can't remember his pirate name. And he didn't talk pirate talk, but spoke in a fake British accent. I felt a little cheated out of some good pirate talk, you know? Had the manager stopped by, I totally would've discussed the low level of authenticity in our waiter. His disregard for the sacred pirate vernacular should not be tolerated. Just one booty reference...is that really too much to ask?
Anyway, I will see your booties back here in a few days!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Introducing Camy Tang...And A Free Book!
Today I'd like to welcome a special author and friend to the blog, Ms. Camy Tang. (And the crowd goes wild)
Camy's first book, Sushi For One? hit the shelves this past September. I was lucky enough to get a preview and snag an interview. You can be lucky, too, and WIN a copy yourself. Just leave a comment on this blog to be entered.
Jen: What is Sushi for One? about?
Camy: Here’s the blurb:
Will Lex Sakai be able to surrender her “perfect man” list and give Mr. All Wrong a chance?
Lex Sakai’s family is big, nosy, and marriage-minded. When her older cousin gets married, Lex will become the oldest single cousin in the clan. And that makes her a moving target for Grandma Sakai, who insists that Lex bring a date to her cousin’s wedding.
Of course, Grandma Sakai has some perfect candidates for Lex. Too bad they don’t speak English! And Lex herself has used her Bible study class on Ephesians to compile a huge list of traits for the perfect man. But the one man she keeps running into doesn’t seem to have a single quality on her list. Aiden Young is not her type. He’s not a jock, he’s not a Christian, and he has a bad history with Lex’s cousin, Trish. It’s only when the always-in-control Lex starts to let God take over that all the pieces of this hilarious romance finally fall into place.
Jen: What’s your favorite scene or moment in the book?
THE KISS!!!! Of course. Can you tell I’m a romance reader?
Jen: Hey, we have that in common! No, er, wait. I meant to say, we are so not alike. I only read inspirational non-fiction and books written before 1850.
Anyway, tell us how you got the idea for the book. I love this story!
Camy: Originally, Sushi for One was Non-Ethnic Food for Single Girl. I read a lot of romances, and most of them didn’t have an ethnically diverse cast, so when I started writing, I wrote ethnically-neutral characters.
(And by the way, that first book I wrote, called The Corinthian Rules, was REALLY BAD.)
Then at an ACFW conference, author Brandilyn Collins prayed over me and three friends. I told her to pray whatever she felt led, and she said, “Write your heritage.”
Talk about freaky, huh? I had been wondering about writing Asian characters, but I certainly hadn’t told Brandilyn that.
So I rewrote The Corinthian Rules to open at a Chinese wedding banquet, with an Asian heroine beset by nagging relatives (see a common theme in my stories?). The Corinthian Rules was complete dreck, but I wrote four other manuscripts with Asian characters. The fifth manuscript was Sushi for One, and that was picked up by Zondervan.
Jen: What advice do you have out there for both aspiring adult and teen writers?
Camy: Learn your writing craft. Someone who wanted to be a concert pianist wouldn’t sit down at a piano for the first time and expect to play a Mozart concerto. They’d start with Chopsticks (and there’s nothing wrong with Chopsticks, BTW).
It’s the same for writers. They need to spend time and some money on perfecting their craft—reading books and magazines and online articles, attending conferences, listening to workshops on MP3 or taking online workshops.
And one more thing—write something else. Your first manuscript will always hold a special place in your heart, but once it’s been rejected by a few editors (even if it’s finaled in a few contests), move on and write another story.
And not a sequel to your first book—a completely different storyline and characters.
That way, editors and agents know you’re not just a one-book wonder, that you can complete several manuscripts, can think up several different storylines.
Jen: Okay, let's get to the really important stuff. What's your most embarrassing high school or junior high memory?
Camy: I was at a late night study group and we were getting slap happy. I laughed so hard I farted. Really loudly. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t say a word.
I can’t believe I actually confessed that. Confession is good for the soul, right?
Jen: I am deeply offended and want you to leave my blog immediately. I'm totally calling your publisher.
No, actually you are SO one of us here at this blog. Tell us about a favorite picture you have.
Camy: This is my husband, Captain Caffeine (although in this picture he doesn't have that maniacal "I need java now!" look that he often has), hanging onto our dog, Snickers, because otherwise she'd bolt toward the camera. She's into jumping at any new and interesting object and thinking it's a new chew toy for her.
Jen: You're stranded on a desert island and can only have one CD with you. What is it and why?
Camy: Pirates of the Caribbean, so I can dream of Johnny Depp sailing around the reef to come rescue me.
Jen: Any guy who can keep eyeliner on out at sea has to be pretty resourceful. Tell us your idea of the funniest movie?
C: Love, Actually
Jen: Saddest movie?
I hate sad movies and will only watch a few because practically anything remotely sad will make me bawl.
Jen: OH, my gosh. Were we separated at birth? I REFUSE to read or watch anything sad. I still have scars from being forced to watch Bambi, Where the Red Fern Grows, Old Yeller, and Beaches. So what's the worst movie you've ever seen?
Camy: Worst movie? Do I have to pick? I can’t even remember them because they were that bad. Plus I’ll usually walk out of a theater or stop the DVD if it’s bad, because life is just too short to waste on bad cinema.
Jen: Again, me too! Especially with books--if I'm not hooked quickly, I drop the book and get a new one. How about...if you were a super hero, what power would you have?
Camy:
The ability to turn someone into a toad. Everyone would be really nice to me.
Jen: Good to know. Camy, thanks so much for stopping by with your fart stories and book discussion. I finally want to mention that Camy has a great blog. Anything exciting going on over there?
Camy: I have a huge website contest going on right now where I’m giving away baskets of Christian novels and an iPod Nano! You have to belong to my newsletter YahooGroup in order to enter, so join today:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Camys_Loft/join
Thanks for having me here, Jenny!
Jen, here. Be sure and check out a preview of Sushi for One? at Camy's website by clicking here.
Also don't forget to leave a comment on this blog to get your name in the hat for a free copy of the fabulous Sushi For One?
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Conferencing Away
I'm in the Big D for a writing conference. It's been a lot of fun, I've met a lot of great people, but I'm ready to go home. I know my cats need me. Their little kitty hearts cry to me from Arkansas.
Actually I know they haven't even noticed I'm gone. I know I'll walk through the front door, and it will be a look that says, "You couldn't have gone ahead and finished out the whole month of September away?"
So I hate to pack. HATE IT. I always put it off until the last possible minute and then try to think if I have friends who love me enough that I could call them and say, "Would you pack for me?" I mentally scan the faces of friends and family...and no one comes to mind. Nobody ever loves me enough to come over and toss my undies into a suitcase.
But even though I detest packing and would rather eat a loaf of soggy bread or suffer a week of wedgies, at the same time, I am quite accomplished at it. And I realized something this week as I pulled a muscle, popped a rib, and threw my bag up to be weighed: I. Am. An. Overpacker. That's right...my name is Jennifer Jones, and I'm an overpacker. For the last three trips I have grabbed everything I owned, stuffed it in a suitcase, and the weight was in the 49.5 lb. range each time. It's like it's my gift. Some people can play the piano without knowing a single note. Others can work calculus problems that would fill an entire screen of a chalk board. Me? I instinctively know when one pair of flats is just too much and will send me over the 50 lb. mark. To quote Much Ado About Nothing, "Oh, the gifts God gives." But I always open my suitcase and find things I don't need (a flashlight?) and quite a few things I do require but don't have (pants).
I am at this conference solo, as my good writing buddies Erin V. and Erin M. opted to take a break from this annual meeting. So you know what that means...I have no one to giggle and share snarky comments with. But I have made a list consisting of a few pages in my spiral notebook. I will be sharing soon.
Also lots of availability problems with the release of On the Loose,book two in the Katie Parker series, so go ask those book sellers where the stinkin' book is! There are so far none on the shelves...but 11 for sale used on amazon. WHAT THE HECK? Mom, quit selling your personal copies! When you said every one of them was valuable to you, I didn't think you meant you were gonna cash in!!!
Just kidding. My mom has more class than that.
She sells on ebay.
More when I return.
Actually I know they haven't even noticed I'm gone. I know I'll walk through the front door, and it will be a look that says, "You couldn't have gone ahead and finished out the whole month of September away?"
So I hate to pack. HATE IT. I always put it off until the last possible minute and then try to think if I have friends who love me enough that I could call them and say, "Would you pack for me?" I mentally scan the faces of friends and family...and no one comes to mind. Nobody ever loves me enough to come over and toss my undies into a suitcase.
But even though I detest packing and would rather eat a loaf of soggy bread or suffer a week of wedgies, at the same time, I am quite accomplished at it. And I realized something this week as I pulled a muscle, popped a rib, and threw my bag up to be weighed: I. Am. An. Overpacker. That's right...my name is Jennifer Jones, and I'm an overpacker. For the last three trips I have grabbed everything I owned, stuffed it in a suitcase, and the weight was in the 49.5 lb. range each time. It's like it's my gift. Some people can play the piano without knowing a single note. Others can work calculus problems that would fill an entire screen of a chalk board. Me? I instinctively know when one pair of flats is just too much and will send me over the 50 lb. mark. To quote Much Ado About Nothing, "Oh, the gifts God gives." But I always open my suitcase and find things I don't need (a flashlight?) and quite a few things I do require but don't have (pants).
I am at this conference solo, as my good writing buddies Erin V. and Erin M. opted to take a break from this annual meeting. So you know what that means...I have no one to giggle and share snarky comments with. But I have made a list consisting of a few pages in my spiral notebook. I will be sharing soon.
Also lots of availability problems with the release of On the Loose,book two in the Katie Parker series, so go ask those book sellers where the stinkin' book is! There are so far none on the shelves...but 11 for sale used on amazon. WHAT THE HECK? Mom, quit selling your personal copies! When you said every one of them was valuable to you, I didn't think you meant you were gonna cash in!!!
Just kidding. My mom has more class than that.
She sells on ebay.
More when I return.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
FREE COPY OF ON THE LOOSE!!!
I gave away a bunch of advanced copies of On the Loose on Facebook. Are you my friend? You totally should be! Even if you're one of my former students and I gave you detention. Or interrupted your mid-class texting. Or gave you an F.
Now for this week's contest. It's a very complicated two step process to enter. Here's what you have to do in order to be entered to win a copy of On the Loose, the book Oprah would love to have. (She just doesn't know it yet.)
Step One: Leave a comment on my blog by September 23rd. I will be in Dallas with a fun group of writers who I don't even know, so I will love the company of your comments!
Step Two: Email the answers to this supah easy quiz. The answers are on this blog (might have to search a few old posts if you haven't been keeping up! But check out the index on the far left column.) Email me using this addy: jen @jennybjones.com. I will draw from the entrants for a signed copy of the book.
Here are the extremely tough questions:
1. I believe cats should learn to swim, True or False?
2. What two cities did I visit this summer?
3. What is the first sentence of On the Loose? (hint: check out the preview post)
4. I was VERY disappointed this person and his family were not home on my recent vacation. Hmmm...who was this famous guy?
5. I have two careers, one being a writer. What's my other one. (Note to close friends: Keep your jokes to yourself here.)
There are a few reviews up for On the Loose. Here's one from BookLoons.com.
Stay tuned for future contest announcements. Next week you can win a book if you're a member of my newsletter gang. (And who wouldn't be?) If you haven't already signed up for the newsletter, do that now so you'll be ready! Check out the spot on the left to take care of this ultra-urgent business.
And thanks to all who are already talking about the book and pledging their undying love. One former student, John, who won a copy on Facebook said he'd "worship it." Just make sure there aren't any animal casualties or moon howling involved in that, okay? Worship responsibly.
Thanks for playing along!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
RELEASE WEEK
On the Loose hits shelves this week. I know, I know there will be lines and people camping out at midnight Monday night, but please, no fights. And share those candy bars and "waiting-all-night" snacks. It stresses me and J.K. Rowling out when our mobs of eager readers get violent. But we do understand.
So ask your local booksellers for the book. (Say, "You know--On the Loose. By Jenny B. Jones. I think it's up for a Pulitzer? No? Well, all I know is Oprah will NOT leave this poor lady alone.")
Ask your librarians to order it. ("You don't have her books? And you call yourselves a library! No, I don't want to read the latest Grisham novel. I want Katie Parker. Is it just me or does this reek of censorship?").
Ask your friend of a friend of a friend of a second-cousin who knows the Wal-Mart or Sam's book buyer ("If you don't stock her books in bulk, I will buy myself a Sam's Choice water and lay down on this floor and scream like a two year old.")
Let's let's blow up some sales and get the message out there. Um...the message of Christ. Not the message that we blow up things.
So I'm ripping this off from my favorite blog, megcabot.com, but check out this youtube video of a woman who teaches her cats to swim.
Let the record show that I am not that cat-weird. And they "glided beautifully through the water?" Lady, they were paddling like crazy to get away from you. And how about, "They are so beautiful. Like watching a ballerina." Um...no. It's like watching a bad episode on Animal Planet where you know the ending is not going to be happy. Cats don't like water; I don't care what this woman says. If her super hairy cat liked the water he'd be paddling for the diving board, not toward the ledge. Sure, they ocassionally enjoy playing in the toilet (who doesn't?), but they instinctively don't like getting wet. How many cats do you see tromping through puddles? Um...cats doing kitty jumps in the rain? And just exactly how often do you hear of feline casualities from pools? NEVER. And did you hear her say all FIVE of her cats had been in the pool? WHO in the world would come and swim in her pool? Can you imagine the filter quality? That thing's plugged up for good. Gross.
Finally, let me close by giving you a subliminal message (go buy my book this week) and another one for good measure (Brad Pitt, if you're reading this, call me.), and top it off with a cartoon my super talented friend Kate sent me.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Randomosities
Did you know today is National Encouragement Day? This proclamation was signed by President Georgie Bush and originated by some kids in Arkansas. I learned that at school today. (And then celebrated my cerebral achievement with a Diet Coke)
So in light of National Encouragement Day I will not pick on Britney Spears and her VMA performance. In fact, I don’t really want to. I have to admit, I am guilty of watching it along with millions of others, for the sole purpose of seeing how badly she would mess it up. But the sad thing to come out of it is all this focus on how “fat” and “out of shape” she is. Can we bottle up her ability to be “fat” and sell it? I would like a lifetime supply. She was/is NOT fat. No, she didn’t have her old six-pack abs. And yes, you’re kinda asking for flack if you’re gonna wear the equivalent of bra and panties onstage. But she’s NOT FAT!!! She’s trim actually. And THIS is why we have six year old girls sticking their fingers down their throats after they eat their dyno-bite nuggets.
This is random, but a filmmaker in India has spent the last year making a documentary about gay men and women living in the Middle East. The title? “Jihad for Love.”
Having curly hair is a challenge. The Bible for us corkscrew-headed girls is called Curly Girls. From this I got the super cool tip that you shouldn’t wash your hair with shampoo every day. Wash your hair with only conditioner.
I tried that this morning.
You know those bums you see on the sidewalks of New York? The ones who haven’t seen a bottle of shampoo in months? Yeah, that’s my hair today. STUPID BOOK!!! I’m grossing myself out.
Did you know Jessica Simpson is crossing over to country music? I would comment on it, but it’s National Encouragement Day. But I look like I've dunked my head in a vat of extra virgin olive oil, so what do I know?
Sunday, September 09, 2007
I Will Not Eat Spam This Week
Had a great weekend watching back to back Tyler Perry movies of Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Madea’s Family Reunion. If you have not checked out the phenomenally talented writing, acting, and directing talents of Mr. Perry, you gotta get on it. The man is a genius.
Tyler Perry’s new movie I , Why Did I Get Married? comes out next month, and I’m totally psyched about it.
It boasts a stellar cast, including Jill Scott (so you know there will be some gospel singing) and even Janet Jackson (who has yet to prove herself in a role better than Penny on Good Times). It also includes somebody named Denise Boutte, pronounced boo-tay. I am so jealous of her last name. I once had a student named Steele. What if they got married and he took her last name? Then he’d be Steele Bootay (boutte). Or what if her first name was Fanny? Or Colin Boutte? (Say that out loud for maximum effect.)
This week our church unites together in a corporate fast. There are many levels of participation you could select as you felt led, but it will be a challenging, amazing week. Thought it’s gonna be hard. My food and I do not like to be separated. I plan my life around meals. When I’m on vacation, I’m timing activities according to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I select flights that allow time to eat at the airport and not skip meals. So I will be a little grumpy this week. (Yes, more than usual, sweet little students.)
I know the Bible says not to go boasting about fasting and such, but since this isn’t boasting, I’m gonna talk about it anyway.
Today on my way home from church, knowing the fast started tonight, I thought, “I’ll go home, make a good, healthy lunch: baked chicken, veggies, etc.” Well, in the last few months Satan, ruler of the underworld and cellulite, strategically placed a McDonald’s in my path in my town. So I’m minutes from home and I come to a stop at the light. On my left is the unholy McDonald’s.
It calls to me, "Jennifer, come in here. We have food that will clog your arteries and shorten your lifespan by at least a year."
I whip my car in, overcome with the powerful urge for a number four. And scared because I know menu items by number now. I pull away, clutching my bag of a quarter pounder, fries, and a triple thick chocolate shake. Any hopes I had of also reaping a reward of losing a few pounds this week went down the drain, as this ONE meal is the caloric equivalent of any calories I’ll be missing out on the ENTIRE week.
When I got home, I opened my container and in the quarter pounder box was a Big Mac—two burgers in one. I hadn’t even started my week of fasting, and the blessings were already raining down!
At church we had commitment cards in which we stated what we’d be giving up or how we’d approach fasting this week. Last night, a group of us single girls got to talking about some things we’d considered putting on our cards. Here’s a partial list of things we thought we might promise to sacrificially avoid:
a. green beans and public television
b. tube socks
c. the color orange
d. dating
e. watching wrestling on Pay-Per-View
f. eating liver
g. reading the Wall Street Journal
h. showing up for work on time
i. envelope licking
I don’t think our pastor would share in our humor though.
So before someone emails me to totally flame my irreverence, I’m totally kidding about all of the above. Though I really am going to avoid tube socks and PBS this week, I will also be taking it seriously. Lord help us all. When I go without food, no one is safe. I’m my own WMD.
And triple chocolate shake—I miss you already.
Tyler Perry’s new movie I , Why Did I Get Married? comes out next month, and I’m totally psyched about it.
It boasts a stellar cast, including Jill Scott (so you know there will be some gospel singing) and even Janet Jackson (who has yet to prove herself in a role better than Penny on Good Times). It also includes somebody named Denise Boutte, pronounced boo-tay. I am so jealous of her last name. I once had a student named Steele. What if they got married and he took her last name? Then he’d be Steele Bootay (boutte). Or what if her first name was Fanny? Or Colin Boutte? (Say that out loud for maximum effect.)
This week our church unites together in a corporate fast. There are many levels of participation you could select as you felt led, but it will be a challenging, amazing week. Thought it’s gonna be hard. My food and I do not like to be separated. I plan my life around meals. When I’m on vacation, I’m timing activities according to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I select flights that allow time to eat at the airport and not skip meals. So I will be a little grumpy this week. (Yes, more than usual, sweet little students.)
I know the Bible says not to go boasting about fasting and such, but since this isn’t boasting, I’m gonna talk about it anyway.
Today on my way home from church, knowing the fast started tonight, I thought, “I’ll go home, make a good, healthy lunch: baked chicken, veggies, etc.” Well, in the last few months Satan, ruler of the underworld and cellulite, strategically placed a McDonald’s in my path in my town. So I’m minutes from home and I come to a stop at the light. On my left is the unholy McDonald’s.
It calls to me, "Jennifer, come in here. We have food that will clog your arteries and shorten your lifespan by at least a year."
I whip my car in, overcome with the powerful urge for a number four. And scared because I know menu items by number now. I pull away, clutching my bag of a quarter pounder, fries, and a triple thick chocolate shake. Any hopes I had of also reaping a reward of losing a few pounds this week went down the drain, as this ONE meal is the caloric equivalent of any calories I’ll be missing out on the ENTIRE week.
When I got home, I opened my container and in the quarter pounder box was a Big Mac—two burgers in one. I hadn’t even started my week of fasting, and the blessings were already raining down!
At church we had commitment cards in which we stated what we’d be giving up or how we’d approach fasting this week. Last night, a group of us single girls got to talking about some things we’d considered putting on our cards. Here’s a partial list of things we thought we might promise to sacrificially avoid:
a. green beans and public television
b. tube socks
c. the color orange
d. dating
e. watching wrestling on Pay-Per-View
f. eating liver
g. reading the Wall Street Journal
h. showing up for work on time
i. envelope licking
I don’t think our pastor would share in our humor though.
So before someone emails me to totally flame my irreverence, I’m totally kidding about all of the above. Though I really am going to avoid tube socks and PBS this week, I will also be taking it seriously. Lord help us all. When I go without food, no one is safe. I’m my own WMD.
And triple chocolate shake—I miss you already.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
More Crazy Tagline Fun
So I’m still trying to think up a tagline, a one word sentence that sums up me and my writing. I’ve made sooo much progress.
Actually, like the pile of laundry I’ve been staring at, I’ve made zero progress. But my friend Sheila had some great ideas. Or maybe they’re just funny to me because I knew this girl when she talked to salt and pepper shakers in the eighth grade. Still, here are her suggestions.
Friendship, faith, and finding out what the school meatloaf
is really made of.
Who knew Jesus and high jinx worked together so well?
Sweet valley High aint got nuthin on this.
Finding faith and friends in the last place you look. (Oh, like on the table in the cafeteria—where they keep the salt and pepper shakers?)
Wookin pa nub...
Faith and a girls first kiss in the high school gym. (Ew. In a stinky gym? Unless it happened next to the popcorn machine in the snack bar. Then totally okay.)
Seriously, buy my book.
Christian: more than just the name of the cute boy from study hall.
If Natalie and Tootie found Jesus... Jenny would write
about the high jinx that would ensue.
You take the good you take the bad, you take them all and
there you have: Jenny B Jones
no wait..
When books are what you're here about, but looks are what
you care about: Jenny B
When the world never seems, to be livin up to your
dreams..suddenly
you’re finding out that Jenny's books are all about you.
Yooo-oo-woo.
So, yeah, we’re still working on the tagline, but I think we’re getting closer. But anything sounds good to the tune of Facts of Life.
Actually, like the pile of laundry I’ve been staring at, I’ve made zero progress. But my friend Sheila had some great ideas. Or maybe they’re just funny to me because I knew this girl when she talked to salt and pepper shakers in the eighth grade. Still, here are her suggestions.
Friendship, faith, and finding out what the school meatloaf
is really made of.
Who knew Jesus and high jinx worked together so well?
Sweet valley High aint got nuthin on this.
Finding faith and friends in the last place you look. (Oh, like on the table in the cafeteria—where they keep the salt and pepper shakers?)
Wookin pa nub...
Faith and a girls first kiss in the high school gym. (Ew. In a stinky gym? Unless it happened next to the popcorn machine in the snack bar. Then totally okay.)
Seriously, buy my book.
Christian: more than just the name of the cute boy from study hall.
If Natalie and Tootie found Jesus... Jenny would write
about the high jinx that would ensue.
You take the good you take the bad, you take them all and
there you have: Jenny B Jones
no wait..
When books are what you're here about, but looks are what
you care about: Jenny B
When the world never seems, to be livin up to your
dreams..suddenly
you’re finding out that Jenny's books are all about you.
Yooo-oo-woo.
So, yeah, we’re still working on the tagline, but I think we’re getting closer. But anything sounds good to the tune of Facts of Life.
Monday, September 03, 2007
One Line to Say It All
I had business cards made recently for a conference I've got coming up. Or to pass out to total strangers who could benefit from my phone number--whatever. Anyway, the lovely Dineen Miller of Designer Girl Graphics created them, and they're great. But when she asked me what my "tag line" was, I panicked. A tag line is a clever sentence that sums up you and your writing style. Some favorites I've seen lately are "Faith, froth, and a designer handbag" by Kristin Billerbeck. Then there's Brandilyn Collins' trademarked line about her "Seatbelt Suspense" which claims "Don't forget to breathe." Chick-lit author Camy Tang's is "Romance with a kick of wasabi." And what's mine? Um...I dunno. I've only been thinking on it for about a year though. I don't want to rush it. What could I possibly say in one line that sums up who I am and what kind of book someone would be picking up?
I immediately emailed my clever friend Sheila and asked her for some suggestions. She came through as usual. I thought I'd share her ideas. Before I share her fantastic one liners, I thought I'd share the only things I could come up with. If any of these say "winner," please let me know.
1. Buy my stinkin' book so I can retire early.
2. J.K. Rowling doesn't have a tagline. Why should I?
3. Like other books...'cept with Jesus and stuff.
4. In a vision, God told me to tell you to buy my book.
5. My mom says it's good.
6. Books you'll enjoy now. And dust later.
7. Katie rhymes with datie. And I sacrificed a few to write the books, so please buy them so I won't be a martyr for nothing.
8. Almost as good as squeeze cheese.
9. As cool as your little black dress. And covers more square footage than Britney Spears' little black dress.
10. The best 360 pages you’ll ever read in your life—even if you live to be older
than the oldest person on earth. Yes, even that guy from China.
11. If this series were a WMD, George Bush would totally be able to find it.
12. For the same price you could buy chicken alfredo at Olive Garden. But my books are hair free.
13. Unlik sum Nu York Tims best sellurs, this book aint got no big wurds.
14. Word, this book is supah fly. Cause that's how I roll. Yo.
15. Remember that time you got food poisoning and puked all night?
These books will not make you feel that way.
So those were my ideas. I saved the best for last, those created by Sheila, but you'll have to tune in later to read them.
Hope everyone had a great Labor Day. We should rally together as a nation and demand we have more three day weekends. Americans are like some of the most productive, hardest working people in the world, according to the news. Is this really an area in which we want to be number one? No!
Let's stop this insanity and be the laziest, most well rested in the world! The people most likely to go to the beach! The nation most likely to work four days a week! The country who purchases the most Hanes sweats! If you're with me, please contact your local congressman or woman and tell them how you really feel. Your couch misses you.
I immediately emailed my clever friend Sheila and asked her for some suggestions. She came through as usual. I thought I'd share her ideas. Before I share her fantastic one liners, I thought I'd share the only things I could come up with. If any of these say "winner," please let me know.
1. Buy my stinkin' book so I can retire early.
2. J.K. Rowling doesn't have a tagline. Why should I?
3. Like other books...'cept with Jesus and stuff.
4. In a vision, God told me to tell you to buy my book.
5. My mom says it's good.
6. Books you'll enjoy now. And dust later.
7. Katie rhymes with datie. And I sacrificed a few to write the books, so please buy them so I won't be a martyr for nothing.
8. Almost as good as squeeze cheese.
9. As cool as your little black dress. And covers more square footage than Britney Spears' little black dress.
10. The best 360 pages you’ll ever read in your life—even if you live to be older
than the oldest person on earth. Yes, even that guy from China.
11. If this series were a WMD, George Bush would totally be able to find it.
12. For the same price you could buy chicken alfredo at Olive Garden. But my books are hair free.
13. Unlik sum Nu York Tims best sellurs, this book aint got no big wurds.
14. Word, this book is supah fly. Cause that's how I roll. Yo.
15. Remember that time you got food poisoning and puked all night?
These books will not make you feel that way.
So those were my ideas. I saved the best for last, those created by Sheila, but you'll have to tune in later to read them.
Hope everyone had a great Labor Day. We should rally together as a nation and demand we have more three day weekends. Americans are like some of the most productive, hardest working people in the world, according to the news. Is this really an area in which we want to be number one? No!
Let's stop this insanity and be the laziest, most well rested in the world! The people most likely to go to the beach! The nation most likely to work four days a week! The country who purchases the most Hanes sweats! If you're with me, please contact your local congressman or woman and tell them how you really feel. Your couch misses you.
