Wednesday, February 27, 2008
So if you haven't read the Twilight series, you really do need to. It will be all the talk this year when the movie comes out. And I love how one of the few MAJOR best sellers to happen this year is a YA novel. And it's a love story. Specifically...a vampire love story. And I applaud this. Because frankly, it's about time someone came out of the closet, stood up and said, "I love vampires." When you love a vampire, you have to be true to yourself. So now people will read this book and maybe have the courage to say, "I, too, love a vampire. Fangs make me weak in the knees."
But since this is a book for teens (not that millions of adults aren't reading it because they totally are), I feel it is my responsibility as an adult to offer caution to you vampire lovers. There are some things to consider when you have the hots for a vamp. Or a werewolf, as in book two.
Things to Ponder If You Are Considering Crossing Over to Vampire Lovin'
1. Vampires do not eat "real" food. So when you go on that first date and you order a salad because you want him to think you are a salad type of girl (even though you really want the cheese burger), know that he will eat...nothing. He will pick at his food and try to get you to think he's eating, but he's not. And then at the end of the night you will look at your empty salad bowl and his still-full plate and feel like a total pig even though YOU ONLY ORDERED A SALAD!!! Do you need that kind of abuse on your self-esteem?
2. You cannot watch Jeopardy with him. Keep in mind this dude's probably been around a hundred or so years. Do you realize how annoying he will be at Jeopardy? And what an attitude he'll have? "Um, you don't know that one? Oh, yeah, that's right because you weren't THERE for World War I like I was." Totally obnoxious, even though you might completely clean up if you luck into an entertainment category and Trebek asks something about Britney.
3. You will always have to coach him on his clothing choices. This guy has lived through a lot of decades and a lot of trends. Just when he stops wearing the greased back hair and penny loafers, he'll show up at school in short shorts, Cons, and tube socks up to his knees. Not cool.
4. He's cold. All the time. The book says your vampy boyfriend will feel like hugging on the statue of David. Nothing cozy about that. I know from personal experience...
5. In this series, he sneaks into Bella's room and watches her sleep every night. He moves so fast he's almost invisible. Girls, there are things that boys just don't NEED to see. It ruins our glamorous illusion. Do you really want him to have all access to everything? Bathroom visits, belting it out in the shower, zit popping, our hair when we wake up, your secret Josh Groban CD collection...
6. And as for her fascination and friendship with the werewolf, Jacob? The vampire tells her that hanging out with the werewolf makes her smell like a dog. I had to finally cut off all ties with friends who made me smell like a dog. I know it's hard, but girls are supposed to smell like shampoo or flowers...not like a German Shepherd.
7. Lots of people are really pulling for Bella to choose the werewolf over Edward, the vampire. I tend to disagree. You know even in his human form the werewolf has to be one hairy guy. What if you marry him and have children?
"Which one is your daughter?"
"Oh, that's her. The one with the chest hair."
So read the books and decide for yourself. I think I wouldn't opt for either vamp or werewolf, but if you do, there are consequences to consider. It shouldn't be taken lightly.
Off to watch American Idol. Paula totally needs a date with a vampire...